yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
