This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
