dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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