Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drake has all the answers
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
