She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
