I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
