Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
it was like having sex with a tree stump
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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