I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
