just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
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the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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