i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Someone shit on the floor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
