I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
There's always time for handjobs
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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