I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
