I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
