I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
