I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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