She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
