Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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