Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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