never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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