Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
