I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
no you cant smoke seaweed
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
