whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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