ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
