I didn't shave. On purpose
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
