i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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