My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Randomize
