At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
