i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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