textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
