i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
