Duck Duck Cougar?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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