I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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