Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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