I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
