Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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