im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
