i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
