I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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