I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
