Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
