tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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