So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
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You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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