i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
