when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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