Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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