We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
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Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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