i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
