can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
