I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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