His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am naked and annoyed.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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