Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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