Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hippo gnu deer
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
