i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you will always have a special place in my vag
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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