Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
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